I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
