non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
