I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
