we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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