happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
