Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
