Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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