My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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