Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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