You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
