dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
