she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
