I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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