god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Randomize
