you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In other news, I just burned my penis
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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