The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
