Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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