is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
