they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
