You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
