I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
