3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
