Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
