Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
