her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
