So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
