I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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