we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
