the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
