my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
