so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
