I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
