i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
