Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
