dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
