i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
i think my cat just said my name.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
