Apparently you make a good broom.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
