Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
