thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
