Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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