She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
