I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
