are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
