Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
