is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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