i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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