I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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