The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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