this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
