There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wear drunk well.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
