I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
