some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
