Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
