every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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